To put right what is wrong.
Turns out XYZ has found another man, and there was at least a month’s “overlap” between my marriage and whatever it is that they have.
He goes to our yoga school. She would meet him each morning, while I slept after working till 5am to support us both. They would spend hours talking over coffee. Eventually they “fell in love” and, while I was on a business trip to London, working 12 hour days without weekends, they started sleeping together. In our house. So fuck that.
During the day, I am mostly fine. There’s the odd pang of loss over XYZ leaving me, especially with such dishonesty. But mostly, I can vividly imagine what it would be like if we did get together again. The resulting terror then serves as a reminder of how much more mindful, happy and fulfilled I am when she’s not around. Not to mention less anxious, jealous, misunderstood and generally hated by her.
But about 2am I get the jitters. I’m still working nightshift from home (only 3 days to go!) and I’m forced to sit through it, with no company except Twitter and my journal. Not getting a lot of work done, and I’ve forgiven myself left right and centre for that already.
I just can’t believe and find it incredibly painful. She must hate me so much that she could do this to me.
I feel hated. Totally disrespected.
Completely steam-rollered by her. Forgotten. Treated like a chump.
I’m nobody’s fucking chump. Go and find yourself another slave.
Maybe I should dedicate that song to her on Facebook. Hahaha :) I am sorely tempted believe me.
These jitters seem to be more anger than sadness. I think it’s a Good Thing to be in touch with that part of the grieving process. As mentioned previously I’ve done break-ups before and I thought I was quite good at it. But my guilt-ridden nature never allowed me to express the anger back then. It would take me months to get over a relationship, months of mooching around. Repressing my anger and getting more and more sorry for myself to the point of clinical depression. Now, the anger just bubbles up. I couldn’t suppress it if I tried. That’s something different!
I don’t want to get back together, jitters or no jitters.
[Warning: this post is about to get really, really selfish]
I just want her to really, really regret her choices.
I want her to see things my way.
I want her to do everything she can trying to make it up to me, while I stand impassively by, arms folded, and watch her beg (on her knees preferably).
I want her to hate herself. I want her to be my slave.
Forever. At my beck and call, without question. Obedient and always desperate to satisfy me, emotionally, sexually. And I want her to be good at that. Better than she ever was.
I want her to be one of many admirers that I keep dangling on a string :)
[End warning]
Wow. What a brain we are born with!
So powerful.
So dangerous.
I want her to be faithful to me out of love, not obligation.
I was very touched by your post. I have been through a similar experience and I can relate to you so much on the disrespect and the sense of revenge. Luckily we have our yoga practice to keep going and a beautiful life in front of us. And to quote one of my favourite writers, Gregory David Roberts, ‘no matter what kind of game you find yourself in, no matter how good or bad the luck, you can change your life completely with a single thought or a single act of love. For this is what we do. Put one foot forward and then the other. Lift our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel.’
Best,
Begonia
Begonia, you have the spookiest timing. I just got back from watching De La Soul (the Real De La Soul) playing the most awesome gig I’ve been to all year! They are so energetic, still completely have it and the crowd involvement was incredible.
Sorry, that’s a complete digression. Back to the spooky timing. An old high-school friend of mine TONIGHT, this very night, just recommended Shantaram (by Gregory David Roberts) to me as the best book she’s ever read.
Thankyou for your kind thoughts. Come back often, I write happy stuff sometimes too you know :)
Cam
No problem, Cam, it may just the book you need to read now. It’s a marvellous book!
And now just a very nice singer to lift you up, listen to ‘Dance me to the end of love’.
http://www.madeleinepeyroux.com/flash_content/main.html
Best, ;)
Begonia
BTW I’m going to keep listening to Madeleine Peyroux. Good breakup music :)
Do you know Damien Rice? He is a maudlin Irish singer, also powerful breakup music, particularly good for those who’ve caught their partner cheating (or been caught cheating — in fairness, I suspect both are equally harrowing).